A Letter To My Boy

I hope you know that Mama is trying.
I hope you know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.

Mommy is learning right along with you, each and everyday.

I’m still learning the signs.
I’m still learning what pushes your tiniest buttons.
I’m still learning what you love the most, as it is ever-changing.
And I’m still learning to guess what exactly you want, some days.

I’m sorry that Mama isn’t a super hero.
That I don’t come with super powers.
If I did, I’d pray for the ability to read minds.

To know exactly what you want.
What you need.
To have that sixth sense, to detect when you, sweet boy, are sick or hurting.
To know when you feel pain.

Mommy had no way of knowing that you have yet another ear infection.
There weren’t any signs.
You’re such a happy boy. My bright, beautiful smile in a sky full of clouds.

I’m sorry that appointments run long, keep you waiting for hours, and provide no explanations for you and your beautiful mind.

I’m sorry that I may not adequately express just how loud your thoughts can be, to others. But I will always do my best. To explain what helps and hinders.
No one can know better than you.

I wish I could make you feel my love, through every medication administered, through the “ouchies” and scrapes, and attempts at band-aids.
That I could help provide calm, long enough for you to get a full night’s sleep, nightly. Or even someday nap.

Mama is trying.
I call. I plead. I give all a “heads up” to make things much easier for you.
But I am just 1 person. I’m just 1 Mama.
I advise. I advocate. I beg.
But I can’t make them listen.

I am trying. And day in and day out, I will be here. I will show up for you.
Because you, littlest love, are my life. My heart, walking around outside my body.

And I hope one day you can feel just how loved you are.
Just know that Mama is giving it her all.
But you are going to change this world. One day at a time.
And I will always be your biggest cheerleader.

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I’m a Mama to a preemie miracle little boy, on the Autism spectrum. A loving wife of US Navy Veteran. A Blogger. A chaser of naps. And a lover of all things caffeinated.

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