Give Yourself Grace
…
A phrase I am wrestling with on this Thursday.

Someone recently asked me what the hardest part of (Nonverbal) Autism is. And for me, in our current world, it would have to be that Beckett cannot tell us with words when he is hurt or sick.

Picture this with me for a moment, if you can.
Your child wakes in the night crying. He/She is clearly uncomfortable.
Inconsolable.
Agitated.
Hurting.

And you get to sit there and guess.
And ask forever unanswered questions.
And worry.
And wonder.

And if you’re me, “Google” symptoms. And for the record, that is always the worst idea. sigh

Not only am I up all hours of the night because often times my little love doesn’t sleep through the night, but when he is ill, I am up with anxiety.

Is it his ears?
Tummy?
Does he have a headache?
Is it his allergies?

The only solid piece I ever have to rely on is whether or not he has a fever. And even then, he is struggling with something and often times, no fever. Go figure.

My mind goes through the 8 billion possible explanations (none of them great) and, awake I stay.
Imagine having to decipher a message with half of the clues.
That’s what it feel like to try and diagnose a nonverbal child with autism. At least in our world.

I never have all of the info. Because he simply can’t tell me (yet). Am I doing enough? Should I be taking him in to his doctor?
Are they going to judge my parenting?

I think all of this stems from the “psycho parenting” that we were once praised for, that comes along with bringing home a micro-preemie. But now, at school age, it can be suffocating. I am sure we annoy him some days with temperature checks, following him around trying to get him to eat and drink, you know… parenthood.

But I the thing is, I KNOW I am a dang good Mama. And if I’m doing this right, hopefully Beckett thinks so too.

So I will get to bed tonight, sleep as much as I am able, and give myself some grace.
Because I am doing everything that I know how.
And I always will.